It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It chanced that at the time the great pri...
_Wife_ (_habitué of the Ring, gazing after stranger who has knocked her husband down_): "That was a lovely upper-cut he gave you, George. I wonder who he is?" * * * _Lady:_ "I've j...
The maiden of, er--forty or so, was much upset. Quoth she to a younger friend: "Kate talks so outrageously. Yesterday she actually told me I was nothing but a hopeless old maid." "...
The physician, afer an examination, addressed the wife of the sick man in a tone of grave finality: "I am afraid your husband is beyond help. I can hold out no hope of his recovery...
"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown. "That so?" asked Smith. "Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary sympt...
The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and the roller towel. He made use of his own...
The woman teacher in a New York School was interested in the announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother. "And what is the baby's name?" the teacher asked....
"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work. "Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say...
_Nurse:_ "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?" _Guy:_ "Yes, nurse; to the picture...
"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where shingles were first used?" "I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd rather not."
_John Willie_ (_pleadingly_): "Why can't we be married right away, Elsie?" _Elsie_ (_coyly_): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now." _John Willie_ (_earnestly_): "But,...
"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy. "Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely. "Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy. * * *
Paul Smith, the famous hotel-keeper in the Adirondacks, told of a law suit that he had with a man named Jones in Malone. "It was this way: I sat in the courtroom before the case op...
The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower. "The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cut...
"Miss Smith--Belinda," sighed the young man, passionately, "there is something I want to tell you--something that I----" "What is it?" asked the girl, as she leaned back in her cha...
_Mrs. Muggins:_ "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her have yours?" _Mr. Muggins:_ "Hardly!...
_First Stenog._ (_reading_): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a galleon!" _Second Stenog.:_ "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about them foreign cars." *...
_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents. _Agent:_ Well, isn't that...
The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had failed him, he addressed a letter to the...
Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one bethought himself to ask concerning the other's...
"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancée closer to him, "am I the first man you have ever kissed?" "William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go any furt...
The applicant for the position of cook explained to the lady why she had left her last place: "To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn't stand the way the master and the mistress was...
A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box disappeared. When some one inquired conc...
_He:_ Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the future? _She:_ Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week. * * * "Daughter," said...
A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn. "This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked. The innkeeper looked pained. "We don't boast about it,...
_Penelope:_ "What made George and Alice break their engagement?" _Clarissa:_ "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present day." * * * "Some wise person once said th...
"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again." "_Misunderstanding_, indeed! If you had any _feeling_ you'd call it a quarrel." * * *
The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances. "How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to...
_Mother:_ "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you agree once in a while?" _Georgia:_ "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I." * * * _S...
The shiftless man, who preferred reading to labor, closed the book on French history, which he had been perusing with great interest, and addressed his wife. "Do you know, Mary," h...