Tom--What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning that you were broke. Jack--Well, I want you to understand that Japan isn't the only one that can borrow money.
"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for Number Two."
"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes. "How's that?" "Marria...
"You treat me," cried Mrs. Peck, "as though I was a monkey!" "Oh, no!" responded H. Peck, "One can train monkeys."
"In my business," said the stock broker, "It is impossible to succeed without pluck." "Huh!" snorted the man who had been up against it, "you mean 'plucking,' don't you?"
"The death of her husband must have been a dreadful blow to Mrs. Musicale." "It was, indeed." "I suppose she has given up her piano playing entirely." "No; she still plays; but onl...
HE--Time and tide wait for no man. SHE--No, but a woman will.
A cement maker advertises that his cement is strong enough to mend the break of day.
SHE--You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last night. HE--I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back.
"Why are pugilists like chickens?" "Because they live on 'scraps!'"
A farmer once called his cow "Zephyr," She seemed such an amiable hephyr. When the farmer drew near, She kicked off his ear, And now the old farmer's much dephyr.
An Irishman wandering up Fifth avenue saw in the window of a photographer's shop a large photograph of Mephisto. He went inside, and after gazing about the walls, said to the propr...
"What I like about the Irish is that they are so modest and unassuming." "Holy smoke!" "Fact. When an Irishman does anything great he does not go bragging of his ability as another...
"Did you ever consider the case of the boy who stood on the burning deck?" "Not particularly. Why?" "Well, the game was poker and the hand had been dealt from the burning deck was...
Here is a chestnut your ire arouses, So often it's brought to your minds, "People who live in glass houses" Should always "pull down the blinds."
"This is an interesting clock, Miss," said the salesman, "you really should have one, especially if you're bothered with tiresome callers." "It's merely a cuckoo clock, isn't it?"...
"What is there about betting on horse-races that is so bad for the health?" said young Mrs. Brown. "I never heard of anything," answered the visitor. "Didn't you? Every time Charle...
At a West End hotel one of the party asked: "Have you got any celery, waiter?" "No, sir," was the significant answer; "I relies on me tips."
The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at once. "Is that what you do at home?" he asked indigna...
THIN BOARDER--"I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all her daughters, but I'm half-starved." FAT BOARDE...
BIGGS--That butcher is an awkward fellow. BOGGS--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.
I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down. I replied, solemnly, that "I was...
OLD LADY (at a ball game)--"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't see no feathers." O'RILEY--"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."
"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of low degree."
VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly want a cracker?" PARROT--"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look."
"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I go for the hims," said Maud.
"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's knowledge of parliamentary law." "Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last fifteen years?"
HE: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy. SHE: Why? Because I am "so sweet?" HE: No! "Fresh every hour."
"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping." "That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce cases." "Well, isn't that what I said?"
They cannot be complete in aught Who are not humorously prone; A man without a merry thought Can hardly have a funny bone.