CUSTOMER: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes made while you wait.' Do you really do that?" TAILOR: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, and then go hom...
SCENE--Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby, who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you, lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at...
"What is love?" "A fresh egg." "Marriage?" "Hard boiled eggs." "Divorce?" "Scrambled eggs."
CUSTOMER--Why do you call this electric cake? BAKER'S BOY--I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.
"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors. "What's that?" "I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot is corrupting...
"Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water pitchers?" asked the inquisitive girl. "Those," answered the wise woman, "are for men who have promised that they...
"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the lawyer. "Absolutely certain," assented the witness. "You swear that this is true?" "I do." "Would you bet on it?" "Er--...
"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks." "Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The...
"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?" "Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to the ground and...
"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?" "Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the greatest show on earth."
"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it."
Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three balls!"
"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil. "I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!"
The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.
"Are you the photographer?" "Yes sir." "Do you take children's pictures?" "Yes sir." "How much do you charge?" "Three dollars a dozen." "Well, I have to see you again. I've only go...
I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard Park. Why, how is that? Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees.
A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubt...
GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree. STRANGER--How can you tell? GUIDE--By its bark.
Men are deceivers as a rule, And trust them far you never can; Though at confectioner's sometimes You may unearth a candied man!
"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name." "I know. But he's such a bore!"
"You haven't a cent, and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you expect her father to kick you out?" "Oh, no I intend to go before the footlights."
"Are your folks well to do?" "No. They're hard to do."
"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?" "An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered."
SHE--"You used to call me the light of your life." HE--"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost to keep it burning."
"There's one peculiar feature about the trust business." "What?" "Those interested in it don't need it." "Don't need what?" "Trust. They can pay cash."
"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?" "It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!"
Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down.
--No matter how high an awning may be suspended, it is only a shade above the street.
PLAYWRIGHT--"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then----" MANAGER CONN--"Be more explicit. Which one d...
You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!