HONESTY is the best policy, said a Scotchman. I know it, my friend, for I have tried baith.
IN an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on the following terms:-- Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week. Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week. On inq...
BROUGHAM, speaking of the salary attached to a new judgeship, said it was all moonshine. Lyndhurst, in his dry and waggish way, remarked, May be so, my Lord Harry; but I have a str...
MANNERS, who had himself but lately been made Earl of Rutland, told Sir Thomas More he was too much elated with his preferment; that he verified the old proverb, 'Honores mutant mo...
A MINISTER in Aberdeenshire, sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook his proceedings, and summoned him before them to answe...
SO well deserved is Rogers' fame, That friends, who hear him most, advise The egotist to change his name To Argus, with his hundred I's!
A BARRISTER who had retired from practice, said: If any man was to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it; lest, in defend...
A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival paper one of his own articles, and heading it, Wretched Attempt at Wit.
WHEN Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him suche poore cheere as he had; to which the ex-...
ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness. I, said the adaptator, never feel nervou...
MY hair and I are quit, d'ye see; I first cut him, he now cuts me.
GEORGE II., who was fond of Whiston the philosopher, one day, during his persecution, said to him, that, however right he might be in his opinions, he had better suppress them. Had...
A VERY plain actor being addressed on the stage, My lord, you change countenance; a young fellow in the pit cried, For heaven's sake, let him!
THE late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club, restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was designated an incorporated temperance society. T...
AN Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed afraid of work. O, not at all, said he; not at all; sh...
A SPANISH Archbishop having a dispute with an opulent duke, who said with scorn, What are you? your title and revenues are only for your life, answered by asking, And for how many...
IN a country theatre there were only seven persons in the house one night. The pit took offence at the miserable acting of a performer, and hissed him energetically; whereupon the...
AT the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, What a shame it is to turn her face to the prisoners, until t...
IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called in to see a man who had fallen down a well....
SMART waiter, be contented with thy state, The world is his who best knows how to wait.
A CLIENT remarked to his solicitor, You are writing my bill on very rough paper, sir.--Never mind, was the reply of the latter, it has to be filed before it comes into court.
A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: Alas! I am near thirty. A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: Do not fret at it, madam; for you will get further...
ONE evening, at a private party at Oxford, at which Dr. Johnson was present, a recently published essay on the future life of brutes was referred to, and a gentleman, disposed to s...
I WOULD not pay a coin to see An animal much larger; Surely the mammoth horse must be Rather an overcharger.
EDWIN JAMES, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He answered, A dealer in old iron.--Then, said the counsel, you must of course be a thief.--I don't see, replied...
A SHILLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, Only a shilling to bury an attorney! Here's a guin...
IT is remarkable that ---- is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition, though the very little piece of mind he possesses is proverbial.
WELL, sir, asked a noisy disputant, don't you think that I have mauled my antagonist to some purpose?--O yes, replied a listener, you have,--and if ever I should happen to fight wi...
HOOK one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his co...
AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mr...