_Husband:_ "What was that you were playing, my dear?" _Wife:_ "Did you like it?" "It was lovely--the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!" "It is the very thing I played last even...
_Customer to Palmist:_ "Five dollars fee? Er--would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?" * * * _Betty:_ "Mummy, does God send u...
"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?" "I have," responded the butcher....
"I can read my husband like a book." "Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear." * * * "I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss."...
This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy: "What are you bawling about, Jimmie?" "I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven." "That's silly. Maybe she hain't."...
The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her sister, two years older: "When you hear...
"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago." "I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm...
An English mother was visiting her son at college. "Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?" "I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied. "Pictish?"...
Once upon a time a coach was held up by a road-agent. The driver explained to the robber that his only passenger was a man, who was asleep inside. The highwayman insisted that the...
_The Child:_ "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?" _The Mother:_ "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys." _The Child:_ "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?" *...
A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The pastor gave a speci...
"He hit me on de koko, yer honour." "Your head?" "Yes, yer honour." "Why don't you speak the English language?" "I do, yer honour. I never wuz out of dis country in me life." * * *
A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better picture if you put your hand on your fath...
_She:_ "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on." _He:_ "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is." * * *
The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled frown. "Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I can't quite place you somehow." "Let b...
The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a court-room. So, the judge directed him: "Speak to the jury, sir--the men sitting behind you on the benches." The w...
Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to remonstrate with his mother. "Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he demanded....
_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!" * * * Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's...
A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of how her husband had become engaged in...
One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and...
_Mrs. Lynks:_ "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear." _Mr. Lynks:_ "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for bein...
A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches square, made of platinum and with one si...
The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room all night, instead of sleeping in h...
_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----" _Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!" _Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----" _Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!" _Lady:...
During the agitation in behalf of woman's suffrage, an ardent advocate pleaded with a tired-looking married woman, and said: "Just think! Wouldn't you love to go with your husband...
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep. "No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his...
"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget." "That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting." * * *
The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who chanced along inquired: "How's that new hand o' your'n?" "Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't...
We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his partner: "Martin, if dirt were trumps, wh...
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry...