_Chimmie:_ "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight--me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm." _Billie:_ "Dat ain't nuthin'--me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct." * * *
The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel: "You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast." "An' w...
The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper, looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, and remarked enviously: "These inventors make t...
It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the following question, because they are not always learned in the Old Testament. "If David was the father of Solomo...
In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description of calmness in most trying circumstances. "'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss McGillup?'...
The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.
On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her pill at the appointed time, although she h...
The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows: "Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent cook, but I could not afford to make use of h...
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a di...
The usual details in administration of the pension laws are not amusing, but occasionally even here a bit of humor creeps in to relieve the tedium. Thus, John Smith, claimant under...
An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The question at issue was as to which smells...
The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for more. "What kind of a bird is it, mamma?"...
Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The one inside picked up a large lump and h...
On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at last the doctor appeared in the doorway. "O...
The little girl evidently appreciated the fact that all men and women are liars, for _Punch_ records the following as the dialogue between her and her mother when she had been caug...
A good story is told of a pawky old Scot, who like many others, finds himself rather short of cash just now. His account was £60 over drawn, and the banker rang him up on the telep...
The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions: "Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake...
The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort: "Er--Jenny, do you--think--er--your mother might--er--seriously consider--er--becoming my--er-mother-in-law?"
The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled the fevered brow of the lunatic and e...
After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman: "Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?" "No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply. "That is g...
A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians. On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question was: "Did you ever taste any dog-feast...
The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement: "Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day." The father nodded gravely. "Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it." The litt...
Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper and the head of a beetle, and glued...
"What's this new conference they're going to have in America?" "Oh, they're going to make peace among the Allies." * * *
The humorist offered his latest invention in the way of a puzzle to the assembly of guests in the drawing-room: "Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see; legs and canno...
"George, will you go and speak to cook? I bought some tripe for dinner and--she's still looking at it through her lorgnette." * * * "I hear you've taken up golf. What do you go rou...
The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the following extract from a Hindu's letter to the authorities requesting aid in behalf of his invalid father, who lea...
It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace. On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angri...
"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?" "Twins." * * *
_Miss Hen:_ "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!" * * * _Lady_ (_to prospective dail...