A Frenchman once remarked: "The table is the only place where one is not bored for the first hour." Every rose has its thorn There's fuzz on all the peaches. There never was a dinn...
There are three kinds of liars: 1. The man whom others can't believe. He is harmless. Let him alone. 2. The man who can't believe others. He has probably made a careful study of hu...
There was an old fellow named Green, Who grew so abnormally lean, And flat, and compressed, That his back touched his chest, And sideways he couldn't be seen. There was a young lad...
AUNT ETHEL--"Well, Beatrice, were you very brave at the dentist's?" BEATRICE--"Yes, auntie, I was." AUNT ETHEL--"Then, there's the half crown I promised you. And now tell me what h...
"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a month right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it." "Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who...
Faith is that quality which leads a man to expect that his flowers and garden will resemble the views shown on the seed packets.--_Country Life in America_. "What is faith, Johnny?...
_See_ Memory.
"Look here, Dinah," said Binks, as he opened a questionable egg at breakfast, "is this the freshest egg you can find?" "Naw, suh," replied Dinah. "We done got a haff dozen laid dis...
"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill." VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-ha...
Among the coffee-drinkers a high place must be given to Bismarck. He liked coffee unadulterated. While with the Prussian Army in France he one day entered a country inn and asked t...
"Speakin' of fertile soil," said the Kansan, when the others had had their say, "I never saw a place where melons growed like they used to out in my part of the country. The first...
The physician had taken his patient's pulse and temperature, and proceeded to ask the usual questions. "It--er--seems," said he, regarding the unfortunate with scientific interest,...
"Johnny," said his teacher, "if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your dealer $24 how many tons will he bring you?" "A little over three tons, ma'am," said Johnny promptly. "...
When a married woman goes out to look after her rights, her husband is usually left at home to look after his wrongs.--_Child Harold_. "'Ullo, Bill, 'ow's things with yer?" "Lookin...
Night was approaching and it was raining hard. The traveler dismounted from his horse and rapped at the door of the one farmhouse he had struck in a five-mile stretch of traveling....
"This is a foine country, Bridget!" exclaimed Norah, who had but recently arrived in the United States. "Sure, it's generous everybody is. I asked at the post-office about sindin'...
There was an old man with a beard, Who said, "It is just as I feared!-- Two owls and a hen, Four larks and a wren, Have all built their nests in my beard."
The good die young. Here's hoping that you may live to a ripe old age. "How old are you, Tommy?" asked a caller. "Well, when I'm home I'm five, when I'm in school I'm six, and when...
"What's up old man; you look as happy as a lark!" "Happy? Why shouldn't I look happy? No more hard, weary work by yours truly. I've got eight kids and I'm going to move to Alabama....
"Do you think a woman believes you when you tell her she is the first girl you ever loved?" "Yes, if you're the first liar she has ever met." Augustus Fitzgibbons Moran Fell in lov...
Archbishop Whately was one day asked if he rose early. He replied that once he did, but he was so proud all the morning and so sleepy all the afternoon that he determined never to...
GABE--"What are you going back to that place for this summer? Why, last year it was all mosquitoes and no fishing." STEVE--"The owner tells me that he has crossed the mosquitoes wi...
"What's the trouble in Plunkville?" "We've tried a mayor and we've tried a commission." "Well?" "Now we're thinking of offering the management of our city to some good magazine."
PROUD FATHER--"Rick, my boy, if you live up to your oration you'll be an honor to the family." VALEDICTORIAN-"I expect to do better than that, father. I am going to try to live up...
A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first they said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a trial. He seemed to be making good, and...
A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband: "This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing...
A girl looked calmly at a caller one evening and remarked: "George, as it is leap year--" The caller turned pale. "As it is leap year," she continued, "and you've been calling regu...
"Among the tenements that lay within my jurisdiction when I first took up mission work on the East Side." says a New York young woman, "was one to clean out which would have called...
A nut and a joke are alike in that they can both be cracked, and different in that the joke can be cracked again.--_William J. Burtscher_. JOKELY--"I got a batch of aeroplane jokes...
General Gordon, the Confederate commander, used to tell the following story: He was sitting by the roadside one blazing hot day when a dilapidated soldier, his clothing in rags, a...