"Flag of truce, Excellency." "Well, what do the revolutionists want?" "They would like to exchange a couple of Generals for a can of condensed milk." If you favor war, dig a trench...
It had been anything but an easy afternoon for the teacher who took six of her pupils through the Museum of Natural History, but their enthusiastic interest in the stuffed animals...
Oliver Herford sat next to a soulful poetess at dinner one night, and that dreamy one turned her sad eyes upon him. "Have you no other ambition, Mr. Herford," she demanded, "than t...
LITTLE CLARENCE--"Pa!" HIS FATHER--"Well, my son?" LITTLE CLARENCE--"I took a walk through the cemetery to-day and read the inscriptions on the tombstones." HIS FATHER--"And what w...
A teacher asked her class in spelling to state the difference between the words "results" and "consequences." A bright girl replied, "Results are what you expect, and consequences...
A Georgia woman who moved to Philadelphia found she could not be contented without the colored mammy who had been her servant for many years. She sent for old mammy, and the servan...
CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE--"Is this the place where you are happy all the time?" ST. PETER (proudly)--"It is, sir." "Well, I represent the union, and if we come in we can only agre...
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.--_Rudyard Kipling_. AUNT MARY--(horrified) "Good gracious. Harold, what would your mother say if she saw you smoking cigarets?...
"Tremendous crowd up at our church last night." "New minister?" "No it was burned down." "I understand," said a young woman to another, "that at your church you are having such sma...
_See_ Future life.
One of our popular New England lecturers tells this amusing story. A street boy of diminutive stature was trying to sell some very young kittens to passers-by. One day he accosted...
Friendly may we part and quickly meet again. There's fellowship In every sip Of friendship's brew. May we all travel through the world and sow it thick with friendship. Here's to t...
After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I...
SHE--"I consider, John, that sheep are the stupidest creatures living." HE--(_absent-mindedly_)--"Yes, my lamb."
"Now, children," said the visiting minister who had been asked to question the Sunday-school, "with what did Samson arm himself to fight against the Philistines?" None of the child...
A glass is good, a lass is good, And a pipe to smoke in cold weather, The world is good and the people are good, And we're all good fellows together. May good humor preside when go...
MR. HILTON--"Have you opened that bottle of champagne, Bridget?" BRIDGET--"Faith, I started to open it, an' it began to open itself. Sure, the mon that filled that bottle must 'av'...
Into a general store of a town in Arkansas there recently came a darky complaining that a ham which he had purchased there was not good. "The ham is all right, Zeph," insisted the...
"Did you punish our son for throwing a lump of coal at Willie Smiggs?" asked the careful mother. "I did," replied the busy father. "I don't care so much for the Smiggs boy, but I c...
In the south of Ireland a judge heard his usher of the court say, "Gentlemen of the jury, take your proper places," and was convulsed with laughter at seeing seven of them walk int...
The dentist is one who pulls out the teeth of others to obtain employment for his own. One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed. That night, while she was say...
A West Virginia darky, a blacksmith, recently announced a change in his business as follows: "Notice--De co-pardnership heretofore resisting between me and Mose Skinner is hereby r...
There was an old man of Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket; But his daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man-- And as for the bucket, Nantucket. A mere madness, to live li...
Optimism is Worry on a spree.--_Judge_. An optimist is a man who doesn't care what happens just so is doesn't happen to him. An optimist is the fellow who doesn't know what's comin...
A young gentleman was spending the week-end at little Willie's cottage at Atlantic City, and on Sunday evening after dinner, there being a scarcity of chairs on the crowded piazza,...
"Your husband seems to be very impatient lately." "Yes, he is, very." "What is the matter with him?" "He is getting tired waiting for a chance to get out where he can sit patiently...
A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it don't cost anything. Dwight L. Moody was riding in a car one day when it was hailed by a man much the worse for liquor, who p...
BILLY--"Huh! I bet you didn't have a good time at your birthday party yesterday." WILLIE--"I bet I did." BILLY--"Then why ain't you sick today?" Winnie had been very naughty, and h...
ORATOR--"I thought your paper was friendly to me?" EDITOR--"So it is. What's the matter?" ORATOR--"I made a speech at the dinner last night, and you didn't print a line of it." EDI...
An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army maneuvers. He was especially impressed with the German motor ambulances. As the tourist watched the maneuvers from a sea...