As William Faversham was having his luncheon in a Birmingham hotel he was much annoyed by another visitor, who, during the whole of the meal, stood with his back to the fire warmin...
FRIEND (admiring the prodigy)--"Seventh standard, is she? Plays the planner an' talks French like a native, I'll bet." FOND BUT "TOUCHY" PARENT--"I've no doubt that's meant to be v...
The goose had been carved at the Christmas dinner and everybody had tasted it. It was excellent. The negro minister, who was the guest of honor, could not restrain his enthusiasm....
_Winifred C. Bristol_. Mrs. McKinley used to tell of a colored widow whose children she had helped educate. The widow, rather late in life, married again. "How are you getting on?"...
A resident of Nahant tells this one on a new servant his wife took down from Boston. "Did you sleep well, Mary?" the girl was asked the following morning. "Sure, I did not, ma'am,"...
OFFICER (as Private Atkins worms his way toward the enemy)--"You fool! Come back at once!" TOMMY--"No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in the trench."--_Punch_. "You can tell an E...
A certain Congressman had disastrous experience in goldmine speculations. One day a number of colleagues were discussing the subject of his speculation, when one of them said to th...
"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all about this law. Tell me what I am to do." "Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the la...
TRAMP--"Lady, I'm dying from exposure." WOMAN--"Are you a tramp, politician or financier?"--_Judge_.
A Kansan sat on the beach at Atlantic City watching a fair and very fat bather disporting herself in the surf. He knew nothing of tides, and he did not notice that each succeeding...
"How about the sermon?" "The minister preached on the sinfulness of cheating at bridge." "You don't say! Did he mention any names?"
Little Ikey came up to his father with a very solemn face. "Is it true, father," he asked, "that marriage is a failure?" His father surveyed him thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, I...
His SISTER--"His nose seems broken." His FIANCEE--"And he's lost his front teeth." His MOTHER--"But he didn't drop the ball!"--_Life_.
A firm of shady outside London brokers was prosecuted for swindling. In acquitting them the court, with great severity, said: "There is not sufficient evidence to convict you, but...
A Washington car conductor, born in London and still a cockney, has succeeded in extracting thrills from the alphabet--imparting excitement to the names of the national capitol's s...
MISTRESS (to new servant)--"Why, Bridget, this is the third time I've had to tell you about the finger-bowls. Didn't the lady you last worked for have them on the table?" BRIDGET--...
Th' only time some fellers ever dig in th' gardens is just before they go a fishin'.--_Abe Martin_. "I am going to start a garden," announced Mr. Subbubs. "A few months from now I...
Kentucky is the state where they have poor feud laws.
A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his neighbors on week days. It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in Missouri so divided in sentime...
When you can, use discretion; when you can't, use a club.
If you have frequent fainting spells, accompanied by chills, cramps, corns, bunions, chilblains, epilepsy and jaundice, it is a sign that you are not well, but liable to die any mi...
"Why did the father of the prodigal son fall on his neck and weep?" "Cos he had ter kill the fatted calf, an' de son wasn't wort' it."
Pat had gone back home to Ireland and was telling about New York. "Have they such tall buildings in America as they say, Pat?" asked the parish priest. "Tall buildings ye ask, sur?...
An enterprising firm advertised: "All persons indebted to our store are requested to call and settle. All those indebted to our store and not knowing it are requested to call and f...
Popularity is when people like you; and reputation is when they ought to, but really can't.--_Frank Richardson_.
A grain broker in New Boston, Maine, Said, "That market gives me a pain; I can hardly bear it, To bull--I don't dare it, For it's going against the grain." --_Minnesota Minne-Ha-Ha...
The governor of a western state was dining with the family of a Representative in Congress from that state, and opposite him at table sat the little girl of the family, aged ten. S...
The speaker was waxing eloquent, and after his peroration on woman's rights he said: "When they take our girls, as they threaten, away from the coeducational colleges, what will fo...
The fog was dense and the boat had stopped when the old lady asked the Captain why he didn't go on. "Can't see up the river, madam." "But, Captain," she persisted, "I can see the s...
Fred Stone, of Montgomery and Stone fame, and Eugene Wood, whose stories and essays are well known, met on Broadway recently. They stopped for a moment to exchange a few cheerful v...