"Where've you been, Murray?" "To a health resort. Finest place I ever struck. It was simply great." "Then why did you come away?" "Oh, I got sick and had to come home." "Are you go...
The fact that his two pet bantam hens laid very small eggs troubled little Johnny. At last he was seized with an inspiration. Johnny's father, upon going to the fowl-run one mornin...
_See_ Journalism; Newspapers.
The new cook, who had come into the household during the holidays, asked her mistress: "Where ban your son? I not seeing him round no more." "My son," replied the mistress prideful...
FARMER BARNES--"I've bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it's going to rain, ye know." MRS. BARNES--"To tell when it's goin' to rain! Why, I never heard o' such extravagance....
_See_ Choices.
Clang, clatter, bang! Down the street came the fire engines. Driving along ahead, oblivious of any danger, was a farmer in a ramshackle old buggy. A policeman yelled at him: "Hi th...
"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call that kind of cucumber?" "That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It doesn't always a...
There was a young lady of Wilts, Who walked up to Scotland on stilts; When they said it was shocking To show so much stocking, She answered: "Then what about kilts?" --_Gilbert K....
A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you have the baby half the time." "Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!" "Yes," she resumed, "you may h...
_See_ Cost of living.
"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?" "No," replied Senator Soghum. "But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?" "Those were not my views. Those wer...
THE RECTOR--"It's terrible for a man like you to make every other word an oath." THE MAN--"Oh, well, I swear a good deal and you pray a good deal, but we don't neither of us mean n...
One day, in the spring of '74, Cap Smith's freight outfit pulled into Helena, Montana. After unloading the freight, the "mule-skinners," to a man, repaired to the Combination Gambl...
"Ikey, I hear you had a fire last Thursday." "Sh! Next Thursday."
"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite sure that all persons similarly favored were...
Said a great Congregational preacher To a hen, "You're a beautiful creature." And the hen, just for that, Laid an egg in his hat, And thus did the Hen reward Beecher.
A clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply: "_Dear Sir_: "I notice you have a vacancy for an organist and music teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been b...
A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl--now fifteen--had been the pet of the family. Every one made much of her, but when there was a new baby she felt rather neglected. "How...
"They tell me you're working 'ard night an' day, Sarah?" her bosom friend Ann said. "Yes," returned Sarah. "I'm under bonds to keep the peace for pullin' the whiskers out of that o...
"The divvle he does!" exclaimed Pat in disgust. "The dirty scab!" The difference between wages and salary is--when you receive wages you save two dollars a month, when you receive...
A newspaper thus defined amusements: The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of pla...
In some parts of the South the darkies are still addicted to the old style country dance in a big hall, with the fiddlers, banjoists, and other musicians on a platform at one end....
There are two kinds of women: The fashionable ones and those who are comfortable.--_Tom P. Morgan_. There had been a dressmaker in the house and Minnie had listened to long discuss...
Of the late Bishop Charles G. Grafton a Fond du Lac man said: "Bishop Grafton was remarkable for the neatness and point of his pulpit utterances. Once, during a disastrous strike,...
Recipe for the musical comedy composer: Librettos of all of the operas, Some shears and a bottle of paste, Curry the hits of last season, Add tumpty-tee tra la to taste. --_Life_.
_See_ Military discipline; Parents.
Some real-estate dealers in British Columbia were accused of having victimized English and Scotch settlers by selling to them (at long range) fruit ranches which were situated on t...
It was at a banquet in Washington given to a large body of congressmen, mostly from the rural districts. The tables were elegant, and it was a scene of fairy splendor; but on one t...
"Well, I'll tell you this," said the college man, "Wellesley is a match factory." "That's quite true," assented the girl. "At Wellesley we make the heads, but we get the sticks fro...