MR. B.--"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new baby, will you?" MRS. B.--"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold."
MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?" TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?" MRS. TILFORD (t...
"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."
"What became of that girl you made love to in the hammock?" "We fell out."
"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards." It was the frivolous man who spoke. "Can you think of another?" The serious man scowled up from his newspaper. "Tut-tut...
"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent to market. "Large or small head?" asked the grocer. "Oh, about 7 1-4," said the man, absent-mindedly.
"Where are you working now?" "I'm working down in a match factory." "How is business?" "Light."
Why is a railroad train like a bedbug? It runs over the sleepers.
"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?" "Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he gets."
MR. GREATHEAD, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move.
"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal umpires. One life for each inning."
"You shouldn't drink your whiskey without water." "Why not?" "You'll ruin the coat of your stomach." "Oh, well-it's an old coat, anyhow."
TOMMY--Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arth...
"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?" "Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man in them...
MRS. BENHAM--Our new minister's name is Stone. BENHAM--Well, there are sermons in stones.
"Did the fisherman have frog's legs, Bridget?" "Sure I couldn't see, mum; he had his pants on."
MRS. B.--Have you seen the new dance called "The Automobile?" MR. B.--No; sort of breakdown, I suppose?
"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?" "Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?" "Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."
"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross."
When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your mother know your route?"
CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion. DASHAWAY--I guess I'll go around there. I have a touch of malaria.
--"When Mrs. Riley died she left $40,000 sewed up in her bustle." --"Dear me! That's a lot of money to leave behind."
"Don't talk to me about compulsory vaccination!" exclaimed the man who had his arm in a sling. "I'm sore on that subject."
"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer." "Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't the worst of it." "No?" "No, sir; his wife takes hush money." "You don'...
FIRST DOCTOR--Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case to-day. SECOND DOCTOR--What was it, please? FIRST DOCTOR--I attended a grass widow who is afflicted with hay fever.
"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small pupil. "Men," answered Johnny. "Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?" "Twins," was the un...
"When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the ashes, feeding the cat and six kittens, and making the beds," remarked the observer of events and things, "of course...
Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So, after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bi...
"Aren't you afraid, dear, you'll catch cold in the scanty bathing robe?" he asked. "Oh, no," replied the dashing bride. "This is a very warm suit, hubby, dear."
"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had."