"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills." "And you got----" "A printed slip directing me...
"Pa, what branches did you take when you went to school?" "I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little log school-house they used mostly hickory and beech and...
Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day. PAT--"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door." MIKE--"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!"
"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if he can trust the girl to handle the reins."
A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until she falls off a bicycle a few times.
JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday." SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?" JONES--"Neither. It's my wife's mother."
"You should sleep on your right side, madam." "I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and I can't hear a thing with my left ear."
FIRST SENIOR--Heard about Exsheff? He went down into South Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu spearheads and Boer bullets. SECOND SENIOR--I always said he had...
There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes.
FIRST COMEDIAN--"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?" SECOND COMEDIAN--"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed wonder before I was half through." FIRST COMEDIAN--"...
MRS. SWELLERY--What is the matter with my husband, doctor? PHYSICIAN--Appendicitis, madam. MRS. S.--I am so glad. I was afraid he might have something unfashionable.
"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched him."
TEACHER OF DRAWING CLASS--"Willie, tell me how you would make a maltese cross." WILLIE--"Step on his tail, mum."
SLOPAY--"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me something to help my memory. I forget so easily." DOCTOR--"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month."
"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel." "What possible connection is there between the two?" "It's practically having words over nothing."
HE--How does it happen that none of you women have come forward with a new currency plan? SHE--Oh, we already have a perfect one. When we need currency we just sit down and cry for...
"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?" "Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady.
"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes." "Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."
A beautiful lassie named Florence, Once wept till her tears flowed in torence. When asked why she cried, She sighed, and replied, "The Sheriff's been here with some worence."
"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case." "Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but--er--circumstances alter cas...
STRANGER--"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?" BOY--"I kin for a quarter." STRANGER--"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?" BOY--"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay,...
"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As though everyone wasn't wise to that."
A dude from St. Louis named Crute Had a habit of saying, "Oh, shoot!" He said it one day To a man in Ouray, And that was the finish of Crute.
If t-o-u-g-h spells tough, And d-o-u-g-h spells dough, Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff? Or, simply snow?
COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees? BARCLAY--No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.
"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow."
Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition wagon.
"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang the electric bell.
MRS. FUSSY--"John you're the most unreasonable man I ever met in my life." MR. FUSSY--"I don't doubt it. I'm the only one that ever married you."
"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to know whin yez don't want to know it."