AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out to him by his attendant bag-carrier,...
QUIN sometimes said a wise thing. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I.,--By what laws, said his opponent, was he put to death? Quin replied, By all the laws that he had...
DETERMINED beforehand, we gravely pretend To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend; Should his differ from ours on any pretence, We pity his want both of judgment and sense; But...
WHEN Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion, had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of strength, of the company. Morris expostula...
AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally challe...
A DEPENDANT was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not possess. I will do all in my power to prevent you lying, answered he.
DID you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats? inquired the counsel. Yes, your honor, was the reply. On what ground did he refuse them? was next asked by the learned counsel. In the bac...
MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was expected; and the mistress, thinking that he wou...
AN old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. Alas! said he to them, it is hardly worth while to...
CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then called aloud to his neighbors to witness h...
A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained...
P---- had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's house a stranger stopped that P---- might enter the room before him. Pass, sir, said the master of the house,...
A CONCEITED coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of wh...
MY dart, cried Death, I cannot find, So now I'm quite at sea. Quoth Dr. Bolus, Never mind,-- There, take this recipe.
WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower declared for his highness; but the other tw...
TO all letters soliciting subscriptions, Lord Erskine had a regular form of reply, namely: Sir, I feel much honored by your application to me, and beg to subscribe (here the reader...
A KNAVISH attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, What is that to you? said he; meddle with those things that concern you.
MR. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember that!--I shall not be frightened then, for I never knew you to pay anything that you owe.
IN a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men's allowance at college. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of many parents in that respect. I am...
A GENTLEMAN, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him: Mr. Dean, I shall be h...
A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the story of his courtship and marriage,--how his wife had been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of taking the veil, when...
(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.) LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day, Which is to me a mystery profound; He leaves the circuit! he, of whom they say, That he del...
A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a company of fellow-citizens to dispose of, but reserving to his right heir such a portion as pleased them. The heir having sued the...
A HUSBAND, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by a friend that he was afraid of his wife.--It is not she I am afraid of, replied the husband, it is the nois...
WERE I but a king, said a country boy, I would eat my fill of fat bacon, and swing upon a gate all day long.
PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if by common consent, is the following...
OWEN MOORE has run away, Owing more than he can pay.
A RETIRED cheesemonger, who hated any allusions to the business that had enriched him, said to Charles Lamb, in course of discussion on the Poor-Laws, You must bear in mind, sir, t...
ARCHDEACON PALEY was in very high spirits when he was presented to his first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just after this event, and during the ente...
AS for the brandy, nothing extenuate,--and the water, put naught in, in malice.