"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant talker." "You're right there." "Why, I could listen to her all night." "I have to."
"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day. Haven't you ever seen him?" "No, but I've seen caricatures of him." "Oh, they flatter him. You should see him."
"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out." "Did you shoot him?" "No. He was out of my range."
Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)--It's merely a suggestion--the woodpile is in the back yard. Tramp--You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile!
"What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the English tourist. "Field labor," answered the native American. "Is that a fact?" queried the Englishman, who was incline...
A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?" "Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gent...
"These verses make no sense," said she; "I can't tell what they mean." "Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he, "In any magazine."
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.
"When were walking-sticks first invented?" "When?" "When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain."
MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club? PAMELA--From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time.
The portrait tumbled from the wall And hit the young man's head. "A striking likeness!" That was all The rueful punster said.
"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military man, you are afraid of powder." "To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have only to do this." W...
"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!" "Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossi...
Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you can let go without getting some one to help you.
FIRST FLY--Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others? SECOND FLY--Well, I have noticed that they seem to be easily tickled.
Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad! Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad! But the sadness of her sadness, And the gladness of her gladness, Are nothing to he...
"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been shaving myself."
GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?" PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world." "Why how is that?" "Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?"
Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning.
Tom--I kissed her when she wasn't looking. Clara--What did she do? Tom--Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening.
"Are any of the colors discernible to the touch?" asked the school teacher. "I have often felt blue," replied the boy at the head of the class.
I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks. Did you win? No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."
As man and wife are one, the husband when seated with his wife, must be beside himself.
"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of his notes for half a minute." "Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."
"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left them. "Yes," was the reply, "that's his business." "His...
"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish him from the common herd." "No?" "No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all autos smell alike...
"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it...
"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said the teacher. "Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limburger in."
Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down in that hole?" Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr." Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez cum up."
The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker lays out his man before he boxes him.