"Are you an amateur photographer?" "No. Why do you ask?" "Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox's negative last night."
"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers." "Eh! Who is conferring?" "My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook."
"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms." "Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him."
"They say corporations have no soul." "How about the Shoe Trust."
"Hey, boy, where's your brother?" "In the barn, shoein' horses." "Where's your mother?" "In the back yard, shooin' chickens." "Where's your father?" "In the hammock, shooin' flies....
"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not going into politics." "What made you think of that?" "I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'"
"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school graduate." Clarence shuddered. "Oh, well," he rejoi...
"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of the widow recently bereaved. "Indeed, he didn't," was the quick reply. "He said my husband was better off."
Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been links-eyed.
The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always enjoy a little loaf.
"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?" "She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."
"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'" "No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was smoking it."
This life's a game of chance, they say: The saw's more sad than witty, The public gathers 'round to play, The trust controls the "kitty."
"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him." "Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."
SHE--"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?" HE--"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times." SHE--"And what are you putting the oil on it for?" HE--"To...
When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt, he was wise enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one.
"Did you ever catch your husband flirting?" "Yes; that's the very way I did catch him."
"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left."
MISTRESS--"I am not quite satisfied with your references." APPLICANT--"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!"
"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie, as he finished telling one. "Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was too long. It ought to have been curtailed."
THE MAN--Edison's a wonder, isn't he? THE MAID--I don't think so! You can't turn his incandescent lights down low.
"What kind of hen lays the longest?" "What kind?" "A dead hen."
HE--You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume? SHE--Yes, indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me.
JACK--"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?" TOM--"Yes; but I didn't." "Didn't what?" "Suit her."
Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring. Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, how dirty you are!" "Vell, what yo...
"Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed." "Noah." "You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah came forth? So there must have been three ahead of him....
"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?" "Yes, sir, I do." "What grounds?" "Incompatability. She and the cook are quarreling continually."
Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids.
"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you." TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, but not in the same place.
"Nature never allows anything to run to waist." "Humph! You've never seen a Vermont girl of forty."