"Nature never allows anything to run to waist." "Humph! You've never seen a Vermont girl of forty."
"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had everything a man could wish for." "Did you have any pale ale?" "No; we didn't have the pail."
Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas! Her fate was most unkind. No doubt she only wished to see How hung her skirt behind.
"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," he urged; "I am a spiritualist." "I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you know."
GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes." FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake the dead."
"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings." "What did you have?" "Three aces, jedge, and----" "What did Jim do?" "J...
SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts. JONES--What's that? SMITH--The Easter bonnet.
"Anything new in your neighborhood?" we asked a farmer. "Yes, the whole neighborhood is stirred up," he replied. "What is the cause?" we asked eagerly. "Ploughing."
HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children." WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?" HUSBAND--"Down at the department store." WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?...
"Now, why," remarked the little dog, in speaking to the tree, "Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?" The tree gave the conundrum up. The pup, with wisdom dar...
The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind."
"What did you wear last night?" asked the celery. "A lovely mayonnaise," replied the lettuce. "And you?" "Never was so mortified in all my life; I wasn't dressed at all," said the...
"Held by the enemy"--the ulster which we are unable to redeem.
SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published. PRIMLY--Indeed! What book? SWATTER--The directory.
"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me what book helped you most in life?" After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book."
HE--The bride looks radiant, as brides usually do. SHE--Yes, but the bridegroom appears rather run down. HE--Run down eh? That's just it; caught after a long chase.
"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest. "Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.
"What makes your sister so stout now, she used to be very thin?" "She's working down in a photographer's." "Why, how does that make any difference?" "Well, she's in the developing...
A lady one day being in need of some small change called down-stairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any 'coppers' down there?" "Yes, mum, I've two; but if you please, mu...
"A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up and looked her over and went away." "He never touched her?" "No. He was a man-eating shark."
"And you really believe that Friday is an unlucky day?" "I know it is." "Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson and Gladstone." "Yes, and every mother's so...
A boil in the pot is worth two on the neck.
"Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night?" asked one Pittsburg young man of another. "No, but her father did." "How was that?" "He fired me."
Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player. Why? He draws and fills so well.
The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye.
"And you really think that a miss is as good as a mile?" "Yaas, and a good deal better, for one can kiss a miss, when one couldn't kiss a mile, don'cher know?"
For years she'd heard her husband sadly say: "Can't we have pies like mother used to bake?" At last she cried: "Of course we can, you Jay, When you make dough that papa used to mak...
"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear." "Ah, had a military training, I suppose." "No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were both janitors."
Lovett--You don't believe in divorce, then? Hayter--No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood. Lovett--What has that to do with it? Hayter--I believe in a fight to the finish.
If I might hold that hand again Clasped lovingly in mine, I'd little care what others sought-- That hand I held, lang syne! That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft! Soft? Ne'er was so...