FRANKLIN--"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?" HARDY--"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on."
"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately. She shivered. "I see no objection to that," she answered. "All papa said was that you mustn't hang around here."
SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve. JONES--The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter!
A man stole a harness the other day and never left a trace.
"I saw your sister on the street to-day." "How was she looking?" "I don't know. I didn't see her face." "How did you know it was my sister?" "Oh, I'm quick at figures."
TOM--"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What did he hit?" DICK--"Nothing." HARRY--"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot." DICK--"That's what I said."
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire. ISAAC ISAACS--Vy? SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Vell, he took oud an inshoorance bolicy yeste'day.
"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the lawyer. "Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit. "Then he might change his mind and want to marry...
HUSBAND--My dear, how would you like a book for a present? WIFE--Very much. "Well, what sort of a book would you like--a book of poems, for instance?" "No; a bank-book."
TEACHER--Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in? TOMMY (after a moment's reflection)--I think it was his last.
PERSONAL--"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object, widowhood.'"
"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed. "I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to speak to the livery-man about it."
JUDGE--You are charged with profanity. PRISONER--I am not. JUDGE--You are, sir. What do you mean? PRISONER--I was, but I got rid of it.
Says his lordship to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise, I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf." "Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good. For I never can raise it myse...
"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under...
"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him,...
SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter? CYNICUS--I hope so. Few of us really know each other here.
"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club." "That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip."
Knock, and the world knocks with you; Boost, and you boost alone! When you roast good and loud You will find that the crowd Has a hammer as big as your own!
DOCTOR--You are fagged out; you must give up all headwork. PATIENT--Why, that spells ruin! I'm a hair-dresser!
TEACHER--Yes, dear; ova refers to an egg. WILLY--Then when they throw bad eggs at an actor he gets a literal ovation, I s'pose.
'Tis now the wily urchin mocks The lynx-eyed cop along the docks, And plunges in the cooling tide, Arrayed in naught else but his hide.
A simple old farmer, McVeagh, Whom every one said was a jeagh, Fell in with a man On the confidence plan, And now he is back making heagh.
A watch's fate is hard indeed, For when it's not in soak It's set back if it gets ahead And scorned whene'er it's broke.
Alas, for all their ecstasy, They knew not what was best: The young man reached the front door, The old man did the rest.
An emblem of tenuity We witness every day; Behold the corset-and you'll see The whale-bone comes to STAY.
As he walked with baby He had to confess That marriage with him Was a howling success.
Bluff a little, bluff a little As you go your way; Bluffing may not always help you-- Many times it may. Bluff a little, bluff a little; Men may rail at you-- But you'll see by wat...
He kissed her on the cheek; It seemed a harmless frolic; He's been laid up a week-- They say, with painter's colic.
He used to send her roses; He sent them every hour, But now they're married and he sends Her home a cauliflower.