MOTHER--"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?" Innocent--"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?" Mother--"Certainly, my dear." Innocent--"Then I don't think h...
"Did you have any trouble with black ants in Ireland, Bridget?" "No, ma'am, but I had some trouble onc't with a white uncle."
Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five of them on the first deal.
"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man." "Where did he get that idea?" "I don't know, but he said you looked just like a bookmaker."
He said to her: "You're just a bird!" "Then, Johnnie, dear," said she, "If all is true that I have heard, A bottle goes with me."
Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.
"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum and the admission to Sing Sing?" "Don't know. What?" "One is ten cents and the other is sentence."
"What man in the army wore the biggest hat?" "The one with the biggest head, of course."
CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss." MAUD--"What kind is that?" CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!"
"You own your own house, don't you?" "I used to." "Have you sold it?" "No, I haven't sold it." "Then how is it you don't own it?" "Well, you see, we have company most of the time."
FRED--Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for models. DICK--What for? FRED--To try on Parlor suits.
MILLIE--"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?" WILLIE--"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of course!"
IDA--"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same as they have in New York." MAY--"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline." IDA--"Well, you see, they are playing the 'Automo...
"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in sp...
CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria? DENBY--Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. But her treatment left me with a worse disease than malaria ever w...
MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--"How many are twice two, Jackey?" JACKEY-"Tervice two ish six." "You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch." "Don't I know dot, fadder, already...
"Well, Pat, and how is that bull-pup of yours doing?" "Oh, he's dead! The illigant baste wint an' swallowed a tape-measure!" "Oh, I see! He died by inches, then?" "No; begorra, he...
"Why did you insist on only $99,000 a year as your salary?" "Because," answered the high financier, "as soon as people hear a hundred thousand mentioned they get suspicious. It is...
BROWN--I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays. JONES--True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints.
An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from that of the dog.
GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence? G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box.
ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take? TELLIT-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a cake of soap at the head of the stairs.
KICKSY--Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen? MRS. KICKSY--No, dear, why is it? KICKSY--Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday.
The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them.
Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without reflecting.
"Where did you get that hair on your coat?" "From the head of the bed."
"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him a liar?" "That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telephone?"
The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when sh...
"Well, I see Admiral Dewey's rank is reduced." "What is he, a commodore?" "No." "A captain?" "No." "Well, what is he?" "Mrs. Dewey's second mate."
"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?" "Why--er--a railroad collision, I suppose,"