What is the difference between a banana and a Jew? You can skin the banana. He was quite evidently from the country and he was also quite evidently a Yankee, and from behind his bo...
Politicians always belong to the opposite party. The man who goes into politics as a business has no business to go into politics.--_Life_. A political orator, evidently better acq...
_See_ Candidates; Public speakers.
_See_ Children.
A judge once had a case in which the accused man understood only Irish. An interpreter was accordingly sworn. The prisoner said something to the interpreter. "What does he say?" de...
A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six different positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police department. A few days later the chief of polic...
Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie...
"Me gotta da good job," said Pictro, as he gave the monkey a little more line after grinding out on his organ a selection from "Santa Lucia." "Getta forty dollar da month and eata...
Ignorance of the law does not prevent the losing lawyer from collecting his bill.--_Puck_. George Ade had finished his speech at a recent dinner-party, and on seating himself a wel...
"Papa, what does hereditary mean?" "Something which descends from father to son." "Is a spanking hereditary?" William had just returned from college, resplendent in peg-top trouser...
A certain young man's friends thought he was dead, but he was only in a state of coma. When, in ample time to avoid being buried, he showed signs of life, he was asked how it seeme...
"I confess, that the subject of psychical research makes no great appeal to me," Sir William Henry Perkin, the inventor of coal-tar dyes, told some friends in New York recently. "P...
The wife of an overworked promoter said at breakfast: "Will you post this letter for me, dear? It's to the furrier, countermanding my order for that $900 sable and ermine stole. Yo...
Maybe the man who boasts that he doesn't owe a dollar in the world couldn't if he tried. "What sort of chap is he?" "Well, after a beggar has touched him for a dime he'll tell you...
Recipe for a multi-millionaire: Take a boy with bare feet as a starter Add thrift and sobriety, mixed-- Flavor with quarts of religion, And see that the tariff is fixed. --_Life_....
"What in the world are you up to, Hilda?" exclaimed Mrs. Bale, as she entered the nursery where her six-year-old daughter was stuffing broken toys, headless dolls, ragged clothes a...
_See_ Buildings.
During a financial panic, a German farmer went to a bank for some money. He was told that the bank was not paying out money, but was using cashier's checks. He could not understand...
"Say, old man," chattered the press-agent, who had cornered a producer of motion-picture plays, "I've got a grand idea for a film-drama. Listen to the impromptu scenario: Scene one...
Stanley Jordan, the well-known Episcopal minister, having cause to be anxious about his son's college examinations, told him to telegraph the result. The boy sent the following mes...
A run in time saves the nine. Knowin' all 'bout baseball is jist 'bout as profitable as bein' a good whittler.--_Abe Martin_. "Plague take that girl!" "My friend, that is the most...
When a man has a birthday he takes a day off, but when a woman has a birthday she takes a year off.
Fate hit me very hard one day. I cried: "What is my fault? What have I done? What causes, pray, This unprovoked assault?" She paused, then said: "Darned if I know; I really can't e...
At the Brooklyn Bridge.--"Madam, do you want to go to Brooklyn?" "No, I have to."--_Life_.
"Uncle Mose," said a drummer, addressing an old colored man seated on a drygoods box in front of the village store, "they tell me that you remember seeing George Washington--am I m...
"Can I get a steak here and catch the one o'clock train?" "It depends on your teeth, sir."
In good looks I am not a star. There are others more lovely by far. But my face--I don't mind it, Because I'm behind it-- It's the people in front that I jar. "Shine yer boots, sir...
Camp life is just one canned thing after another.
WILLIS--"Some of these rich fellows seem to think that they can buy their way into heaven by leaving a million dollars to a church when they die." GILLIS--"I don't know but that th...
Sing a song of sick gents, Pockets full of rye, Four and twenty highballs, We wish that we might die. Two booze-fiends were ambling homeward at an early hour, after being out nearl...