"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week what would you call it?" "Taking his name in vain."--_Princeton Tiger_.
To Our National Birds--the Eagle and the Turkey--(while the host is carving): May one give us peace in all our States, And the other a piece for all our plates.
"I understand you speak French like a native." "No," replied the student; "I've got the grammar and the accent down pretty fine. But it's hard to learn the gestures." In Paris last...
_See_ Punishment.
He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village and he sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and began a conversation. "Have you heard about the...
A western politician tells the following story as illustrating the inconveniences attached to campaigning in certain sections of the country. Upon his arrival at one of the small t...
Senator Money of Mississippi asked an old colored man what breed of chickens he considered best, and he replied: "All kinds has merits. De w'ite ones is de easiest to find; but de...
In a Montana hotel there is a notice which reads: "Boarders taken by the day, week or month. Those who do not pay promptly will be taken by the neck."--_Country Life_.
Great aches from little toe-corns grow.
A city man, visiting a small country town, boarded a stage with two dilapidated horses, and found that he had no other currency than a five-dollar bill. This he proffered to the dr...
An economist is usually a man who can save money by cutting down some other person's expenses. Economy is going without something you do want in case you should, some day, want som...
In the Chicago schools a boy refused to sew, thinking it below the dignity of a man of ten years. "Why," said the teacher, "George Washington did his own sewing in the wars, and do...
Mrs. Hennessey, who was a late arrival in the neighborhood, was entertaining a neighbor one afternoon, when the latter inquired: "An' what does your old man do, Mrs. Hennessey?" "S...
There was a young lady named Ruth, Who had a great passion for truth. She said she would die Before she would lie, And she died in the prime of her youth. Women do not really like...
ARTIST--"I'd like to devote my last picture to a charitable purpose." CRITIC--"Why not give it to an institution for the blind?" "Wealth has its penalties." said the ready-made phi...
The mayor of a French town had, in accordance with the regulations, to make out a passport for a rich and highly respectable lady of his acquaintance, who, in spite of a slight dis...
There was once a chap who went skating too early and all of a sudden that afternoon loud cries for help began to echo among the bleak hills that surrounded the skating pond. A farm...
The late Dr. Henry Thayer, founder of Thayer's Laboratory in Cambridge, was walking along a street one winter morning. The sidewalk was sheeted with ice and the doctor was making h...
The average modern play calls in the first act for all our faith, in the second for all our hope, and in the last for all our charity.--_Eugene Walter_. The young man in the third...
TEACHER--"Freddie, you musn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom." FREDDIE--"I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted." Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep,...
A darky fruit-dealer in Georgia has a sign above his wares that reads: Watermelons Our choice 25 cents. Your choice 35 cents. --_Elgin Burroughs_. The quick wit of a traveling sale...
American travelers in Europe experience a great deal of trouble from the omnipresent need of tipping those from whom they expect any service, however slight. They are very apt to c...
"Talk about Napoleon! That fellow Wombat is something of a strategist himself." "As to how?" "Got his salary raised six months ago, and his wife hasn't found it out yet."--_Washing...
_See_ Pure food.
"Yes, sir, our household represents the United Kingdom of Great Britain," said the proud father of number one to the rector. "I am English, my wife's Irish, the nurse is Scotch and...
_See_ Future life.
The Rev. Charles H. Spurgeon was fond of a joke and his keen wit was, moreover, based on sterling common sense. One day he remarked to one of his sons: "Can you tell me the reason...
The wife of a prominent Judge was making arrangements with the colored laundress of the village to take charge of their washing for the summer. Now, the Judge was pompous and extre...
It sometimes takes a girl a long time to learn that a flirtation is attention without intention. "There's a belief that summer girls are always fickle." "Yes, I got engaged on that...
A bookseller reports these mistakes of customers in sending orders: