He was a remarkably stout gentleman, excessively fond of dancing, so his friends asked him why he had stopped, and was it final? "Oh, no, I hope not," sighed the old fellow. "I sti...
"The deer's a mighty useful beast From Petersburg to Tennyson For while he lives he lopes around And when he's dead he's venison." --_Ellis Parker Butler_.
A man was telling about an exciting experience in Russia. His sleigh was pursued over the frozen wastes by a pack of at least a dozen famished wolves. He arose and shot the foremos...
Supper was in progress, and the father was telling about a row which took place in front of his store that morning: "The first thing I saw was one man deal the other a sounding blo...
One of the ushers approached a man who appeared to be annoying those about him. "Don't you like the show?" "Yes, indeed!" "Then why do you persist in hissing the performers?" "Why,...
_See_ Great Britain.
A new volunteer at a national guard encampment who had not quite learned his business, was on sentry duty, one night, when a friend brought a pie from the canteen. As he sat on the...
A canner, exceedingly canny, One morning remarked to his granny, "A canner can can Anything that he can; But a canner can't can a can, can he?" --Carolyn Wells.
Uncle Ephraim had put on a clean collar and his best coat, and was walking majestically up and down the street. "Aren't you working to-day, Uncle?" asked somebody. "No, suh. I'se c...
Here's to the world, the merry old world, To its days both bright and blue; Here's to our future, be it what it may, And here's to my best--that's you!
Eat, drink, and be merry, for to-morrow ye diet.--_William Gilmore Beymer_. There was a young lady named Perkins, Who had a great fondness for gherkins; She went to a tea And ate t...
Little drops in water-- Little drops on land-- Make the aviator, Join the heavenly band. --_Satire_. "Are you an experienced aviator?" "Well, sir, I have been at it six weeks and I...
The Ladies' Aid ladies were talking about a conversation they had overheard before the meeting, between a man and his wife. "They must have been to the Zoo," said Mrs. A., "because...
Marshall Field, 3rd, according to a story that was going the rounds several years ago, bids fair to become a very cautious business man when he grows up. Approaching an old lady in...
A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said: "Don't all those papers make you tired, my boy?" "Naw, I don't read 'em," replied t...
"Now, Willie," said the superintendent's little boy, addressing the blacksmith's little boy, who had come over for a frolic, "we'll play 'Sabbath School.' You give me a nickel ever...
From a crowd of rah-rah college boys celebrating a crew victory, a policeman had managed to extract two prisoners. "What is the charge against these young men?" asked the magistrat...
See _Bills_; Collecting of accounts.
Harold watched his mother as she folded up an intricate piece of lace she had just crocheted. "Where did you get the pattern, Mamma?" he questioned. "Out of my head," she answered...
"Ah," she sighed "for many years I've suffered from dyspepsia." "And don't you take anything for it?" her friend asked. "You look healthy enough." "Oh," she replied, "I haven't ind...
A popular hotel in Rome has a sign in the elevator reading: "Please do not touch the Lift at your own risk." The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each ver...
The mother heard a great commotion, as of cyclones mixed up with battering-rams, and she hurried upstairs to discover what was the matter. There she found Tommie sitting in the mid...
The only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with a private bath in connection with it--was given to the stranger from Kansas. The next morning the clerk was approached by the guest...
The musical young woman who dropped her peekaboo waist in the piano player and turned out a Beethoven sonata, has her equal in the lady who stood in front of a five-bar fence and s...
Two girls were talking over the wire. Both were discussing what they should wear to the Christmas party. In the midst of this important conversation a masculine voice interrupted,...
_See_ Clubs.
GUEST--"That's a beautiful rug. May I ask how much it cost you?" HOST--"Five hundred dollars. A hundred and fifty for it and the rest for furniture to match."
A farmer in great need of extra hands at haying time finally asked Si Warren, who was accounted the town fool, if he could help him out. "What'll ye pay?" asked Si. "I'll pay you w...
A Barnegat schoolma'am had been telling her pupils something about George Washington, and finally she asked: "Can any one now tell me which Washington was--a great general or a gre...
One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the small boy who was watching the Speaker...