There was a young fellow named Paul, Who went to a fancy dress ball; They say, just for fun He dressed up like a bun, And was "et" by a dog in the hall. A Scottish woman, who was s...
A well-known theatrical manager repeats an instance of what the late W. C. Coup, of circus fame, once told him was one of the most amusing features of the show-business; the faking...
A twelve course dinner might be described as a gastronomic marathon.--_John E. Rosser_. "That was the spirit of your uncle that made that table stand, turn over, and do such queer...
"A friend of mine, traveling in Ireland, stopped for a drink of milk at a white cottage with a thatched roof, and, as he sipped his refreshment, he noted, on a center table under a...
BILTER (at servants' agency)--"Have you got a cook who will go to the country?" MANAGER (calling out to girls in next room)--"Is there any one here who would like to spend a day in...
TRAVELER (on an English train)--"Shall I have time to get a drink?" GUARD--"Yes, sir." TRAVELER--"Can you give me a guarantee that the train won't start?" GUARD--"Yes, I'll take on...
A gossip is a person who syndicates his conversation.--_Dick Dickinson_. Gossips are the spies of life. "However did you reconcile Adele and Mary?" "I gave them a choice bit of gos...
Some time after the presidential election of 1908, one of Champ Clark's friends noticed that he still wore one of the Bryan watch fobs so popular during the election. On being aske...
When the late Senator Wolcott first went to Colorado he and his brother opened a law office at Idaho Springs under the firm name of "Ed. Wolcott & Bro." Later the partnership was d...
Nothing succeeds like excess.--_Life_. Nothing succeeds like looking successful.--_Henriette Corkland_. Success in life often consists in knowing just when to disagree with one's e...
"Didn't I tell ye to feed that cat a pound of meat every day until ye had her fat?" demanded an Irish shopkeeper, nodding toward a sickly, emaciated cat that was slinking through t...
TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in every battle he fit in!" JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?" TOMMY--"About forty." They thought more o...
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she made the announcement that she would kiss...
A father once said to his son, "The next time you make up a pun, Go out in the yard And kick yourself hard, And I will begin when you've done."
An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago, and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on...
A train in Arizona was boarded by robbers, who went through the pockets of the luckless passengers. One of them happened to be a traveling salesman from New York, who, when his tur...
May bad fortune follow you all your days And never catch up with you.
William, aged five, had been reprimanded by his father for interrupting while his father was telling his mother about the new telephone for their house. He sulked awhile, then went...
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There was an old man in a hearse, Who murmured, "This might have been worse; Of course the expense Is simply immense, But it doesn't come out of my purse."
In the spring the housemaid's fancy Lightly turns from pot and pan To the greater necromancy Of a young unmarried man. You can hold her through the winter, And she'll work around a...
The girl with the ruby lips we like, The lass with teeth of pearl, The maid with the eyes like diamonds, The cheek-like-coral girl; The girl with the alabaster brow, The lass from...
A negro preacher in a southern town was edified on one occasion by the recital of a dream had by a member of the church. "I was a-dreamin' all dis time," said the narrator, "dat I...
It happened in Topeka. Three clothing stores were on the same block. One morning the middle proprietor saw to the right of him a big sign--"Bankrupt Sale," and to the left--"Closin...
When Mr. Taft was on his campaigning tour in the west, before he had been elected President, he stopped at the home of an old friend. It was a small house, not well built, and as h...
FRED--"My dear Dora, let this thought console you for your lover's death. Remember that other and better men than he have gone the same way." BEREAVED ONE--"They haven't all gone,...
There was an old man of Tarentum, Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em: And when asked for the cost Of what he had lost, Said, "I really can't tell for I rent 'em!" --_Gilb...
In the Tennessee mountains a mountaineer preacher, who had declared colleges "the works of the devil," was preaching without previous meditation an inspirational sermon from the te...
There were three young women of Birmingham, And I know a sad story concerning 'em: They stuck needles and pins In the reverend shins Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. --_Gil...
A Senator is very often a man who has risen from obscurity to something worse. "You have been conspicuous in the halls of legislation, have you not?" said the young woman who asks...