"What is meant by graft?" said the inquiring foreigner. "Graft," said the resident of a great city, "is a system which ultimately results in compelling a large portion of the popul...
There was a young fellow named Hall, Who fell in the spring in the fall; 'Twould have been a sad thing If he'd died in the spring, But he didn't--he died in the fall.
An old man who had led a sinful life was dying, and his wife sent for a near-by preacher to pray with him. The preacher spent some time praying and talking, and finally the old man...
"I thought your father looked very handsome with his gray hairs." "Yes, dear old chap. I gave him those."
"What did you do when you met the train-robber face to face?" "I explained that I had been interviewed by the ticket-seller, the luggage-carriers, the dining-car waiters, and the s...
Haiti was in the midst of a revolution. As a phase of it two armed bodies were approaching each other so that a third was about to be caught between them. The commander of the thir...
Spurgeon was once asked if the man who learned to play a cornet on Sunday would go to heaven. The great preacher's reply was characteristic. Said he: "I don't see why he should not...
"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?" "Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_.
Fame is the feeling that you are the constant subject of admiration on the part of people who are not thinking of you. Many a man thinks he has become famous when he has merely hap...
A well-known but broken-down Detroit newspaper man, who had been a power in his day, approached an old friend the other day in the Pontchartrain Hotel and said: "What do you think?...
LADY--"Can't you find work?" TRAMP--"Yessum; but everyone wants a reference from my last employer." LADY--"And can't you get one?" TRAMP--"No, mum. Yer see, he's been dead twenty-e...
_See_ Dressmakers.
HE (wondering if his rival has been accepted)--"Are both your rings heirlooms?" SHE (concealing the hand)--"Oh, dear, yes. One has been in the family since the time of Alfred, but...
You know that fellow, Jim McGroiarty, the lad that's always comin' up and thumpin' ye on the chest and yellin', 'How are ye?'" "I know him." "I'll bet he's smashed twinty cigars fo...
Take care of the pennies and the dollars will be blown in by your heirs.--_Puck_. "Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?" "Oh, no! I never shop when it rains." JOHNNY--"Papa,...
An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose bride had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the wedding invitations: "Be sure and come; this is n...
The officers' mess was discussing rifle shooting. "I'll bet anyone here," said one young lieutenant, "that I can fire twenty shots at two hundred yards and call each shot correctly...
It was a Washington woman, angry because the authorities had closed the woman's rest-room in the Senate office building, who burst out: "It is almost as if the Senate had hurled it...
Senator Blackburn is a thorough Kentuckian, and has all the local pride of one born in the blue-grass section of his State. He also has the prejudice against being taken for an Ind...
Liberty is being free from the things we don't like in order to be slaves of the things we do like. A day, an hour, of virtuous liberty Is worth a whole eternity in bondage. --_Add...
Consider the ways of the little green cucumber, which never does its best fighting till it's down.--Stanford Chaparral.
A conversation with an Englishman.--_Heine_. BALL-"What is silence?" HALL-"The college yell of the school of experience." The other day upon the links a distinguished clergyman was...
_See_ Books and Reading.
_See_ Drinking; Good fellowship; Woman.
George Ade, with a fellow American, was traveling in the Orient, and his companion one day fell into a heated argument with an old Arab. Ade's friend complained to him afterward th...
At the birth of President Cleveland's second child no scales could be found to weigh the baby. Finally the scales that the President always used to weigh the fish he caught on his...
The story is told of two Trenton men who hired a horse and trap for a little outing not long ago. Upon reaching their destination, the horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefull...
Two Irishmen who had just landed were eating their dinner in a hotel, when Pat spied a bottle of horseradish. Not knowing what it was he partook of a big mouthful, which brought te...
"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?" "I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back."
Half the world doesn't know how many things the other half is paying instalments on.