Smart Society is made up of the worldly, the fleshy, and the devilish.--_Harold Melbourne_. "What are her days at home?" "Oh, a society leader has no days at home anymore. Nowadays...
John L. Sullivan was asked why he had never taken to giving boxing lessons. "Well, son, I tried it once," replied Mr. Sullivan. "A husky young man took one lesson from me and went...
Lulu was watching her mother working among the flowers. "Mama, I know why flowers grow," she said; "they want to get out of the dirt."
A gentleman from London was invited to go for "a day's snipe-shooting" in the country. The invitation was accepted, and host and guest shouldered guns and sallied forth in quest of...
Wanted--A housekeeping man by a business woman. Object matrimony.
A parent who evidently disapproved of corporal punishment wrote the teacher: "Dear Miss: Don't hit our Johnnie. We never do it at home except in self-defense." "No, sirree!" ejacul...
Our young hopeful came running into the house. His suit was dusty, and there was a bump on his small brow. But a gleam was in his eye, and he held out a baby tooth. "How did you pu...
Sam Jones, the evangelist, was leading a revival meeting in Huntsville, Texas, a number of years ago, and at the close of one of the services an old negro woman pushed her way up t...
_See_ Preaching.
TOMMY--"Pop, what is it that the Bible says is here to-day and gone to-morrow?" POP--"Probably the cook, my son." As usual, they began discussing the play after the theater. "Well,...
A Chicago lawyer tells of a visit he received from a Mrs. Delehanty, accompanied by Mr. Delehanty, the day after Mrs. Delehanty and a Mrs. Cassidy had indulged in a little differen...
When Conan Doyle arrived for the first time in Boston he was instantly recognized by the cabman whose vehicle he had engaged. When the great literary man offered to pay his fare th...
Poetry is a gift we are told, but most editors won't take it even at that.
There was a young girl named O'Neill, Who went up in the great Ferris wheel; But when half way around She looked at the ground, And it cost her an eighty-cent meal. Everybody knew...
A country newspaper printed the following announcement: "The Public Library will close for two weeks, beginning August 3, for the annual cleaning and vacation of the librarians." T...
As one of the White Star steamships came up New York harbor the other day, a grimy coal barge floated immediately in front of her. "Clear out of the way with that old mud scow!" sh...
_See_ Thieves; Wives.
"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the dumb-waiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that there's never cream on this milk?" "I spoke...
The eight-year-old son of a Baltimore physician, together with a friend, was playing in his father's office, during the absence of the doctor, when suddenly the first lad threw ope...
There was a young lady of Niger, Who went for a ride on a tiger; They returned from the ride With the lady inside, And a smile on the face of the tiger. --_Gilbert K. Chesterton_.
Recipe for an editor: Take a personal hatred of authors, Mix this with a fiendish delight In refusing all efforts of genius And maiming all poets on sight. --_Life_. The city edito...
There is in Washington an old "grouch' whose son was graduated from Yale. When the young man came home at the end of his first term, he exulted in the fact that he stood next to th...
He who laughs last is an Englishman.--_Princeton Tiger_. Nat Goodwill was at the club with an English friend and became the center of an appreciative group. A cigar man offered the...
He had just returned from Paris and said to his old aunt in the country: "Here, Aunt, is a silver franc piece I brought you from Paris as a souvenir." "Thanks, Herman," said the ol...
"Oh, dear!" sighed the wife as she was dressing for a dinner-party, "I can't find a pin anywhere. I wonder where all the pins go to, anyway?" "That's a difficult question to answer...
Belle and Ben had just announced their engagement. "When we are married," said Belle, "I shall expect you to shave every morning. It's one of the rules of the club I belong to that...
_See_ Kultur.
A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced him to three months' imprisonment. The...
George Washington drew a long sigh and said: "Ah wish Ah had a hundred watermillions." Dixie's eyes lighted. "Hum! Dat would suttenly be fine! An' ef yo' had a hundred watermillion...
WIFE--"Please match this piece of silk for me before you come home." HUSBAND--"At the counter where the sweet little blond works? The one with the soulful eyes and--" WIFE--"No. Yo...