Two negro roustabouts at New Orleans were continually bragging about their ability as long distance swimmers and a steamboat man got up a match. The man who swam the longest distan...
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last season's hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat. "Law, no, honey!" exclaimed the woman. "I c...
"Have you had any experience as an office-boy?" "I should say I had, mister; why, I'm a dummy director in three mining-companies now."
Some years ago, Mark Twain was a guest of honor at an opera box-party given by a prominent member of New York society. The hostess had been particularly talkative all during the pe...
A doctor came up to a patient in an insane asylum, slapped him on the back, and said: "Well, old man, you're all right. You can run along and write your folks that you'll be back h...
Not long ago a patron of a café in Chicago summoned his waiter and delivered himself as follows: "I want to know the meaning of this. Look at this piece of beef. See its size. Last...
"When I first decided to allow the people of Tupelo to use my name as a candidate for Congress, I went out to a neighboring parish to speak," said Private John Allen recently to so...
FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"I wasted a whole evening by going to that new pianist's concert last night!" SECOND MUSIC CRITIC--"Why?" FIRST MUSIC CRITIC--"His playing was above criticism!"...
"I hear Scribbler finally got one of his plays on the boards." "Yes, the property man tore up his manuscript and used it in the snow storm scene." "So you think the author of this...
_See_ Editors; Love.
SHE--"Poor cousin Jack! And to be eaten by those wretched cannibals!" HE--"Yes, my dear child; but he gave them their first taste in religion!" At a meeting of the Women's Foreign...
Fire escape: A steel stairway on the exterior of a building, erected after a FIRE to ESCAPE the law.
_See_ Repartee; Retaliation.
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes. Said the cook: "Dat's all very well, Mand...
ZOO SUPERINTENDENT--"What was all the rumpus out there this morning?" ATTENDANT--"The bull moose and the elephant were fighting over their feed." "What happened?" "The donkey ate i...
Soon after the installation of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of newspaper that had blown up on the telegraph...
"It is hard, indeed," said the melancholy gentleman, "to lose one's relatives." "Hard?" snorted the gentleman of wealth. "Hard? It is impossible!"
Gen. O.O. Howard, as is well known, is a man of deep religious principles, and in the course of the war he divided his time pretty equally between fighting and evangelism. Howard's...
Jim, who worked in a garage, had just declined Mr. Smith's invitation to ride in his new car. "What's the matter, Jim?" asked Mr. Smith. "Are you sick?" "No, sah," he replied. "Tai...
A country girl was home from college for the Christmas holidays and the old folks were having a reception in her honor. During the event she brought out some of her new gowns to sh...
An officer of the Indian Office at Washington tells of the patronizing airs frequently assumed by visitors to the government schools for the redskins. On one occasion a pompous lit...
Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said, "Thank you." "That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say 't...
"You are in favor of a safe and sane Fourth of July?" "Yes," replied Mr. Growcher. "We ought to have that kind of a day at least once a year." One Fourth of July night in London, t...
"What is the trouble, wifey?" "Nothing." "Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at home or something that happened in a novel?" It was married men's nig...
"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in. We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners." "Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's...
The wasp cannot speak, but when he says "Drop it," in his own inimitable way, neither boy nor man shows any remarkable desire to hold on.
Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to the subject of lynching in the United States. It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans...
"Golly, but I's tired!" exclaimed a tall and thin negro, meeting a short and stout friend on Washington Street. "What you been doin' to get tired?" demanded the other. "Well," expl...
An earnest preacher in Georgia, who has a custom of telling the Lord all the news in his prayers, recently began a petition for help against the progress of wickedness in his town,...
An early morning customer in an optician's shop was a young woman with a determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. "I want to look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of...