A man went into a restaurant recently and said, "Give me a half dozen fried oysters." "Sorry, sah," answered the waiter, "but we's all out o' shell fish, sah, 'ceptin' eggs." Littl...
In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the difference between lightning and electricity?" And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning."
The poet Heine and Baron James Rothschild were close friends. At the dinner table of the latter the financier asked the poet why he was so silent, when usually so gay and full of w...
Along in the sixties Pat Casey pushed a wheelbarrow across the plains from St. Joseph, Mo., to Georgetown, Colo., and shortly after that he "struck it rich"; in fact, he was credit...
Lord Tankerville, in New York, said of the international school question: "The subject of the American versus the English school has been too much discussed. The good got from a sc...
_See_ Actors and actresses.
A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the following: "You wish to divorce this woman be...
Michael Dugan, a journeyman plumber, was sent by his employer to the Hightower mansion to repair a gas-leak in the drawing-room. When the butler admitted him he said to Dugan: "You...
"Hello, Tom, old man, got your new flat fitted up yet?" "Not quite," answered the friend. "Say, do you know where I can buy a folding toothbrush?" She hadn't told her mother yet of...
The automobile rushed down the road--huge, gigantic, sublime. Over the fence hung the woman who works hard and long-her husband is at the cafe and she has thirteen little ones. (An...
"I want to change my password," said the man who had for two years rented a safety-deposit box. "Very well," replied the man in charge. "What is the old one?" "Gladys." "And what d...
When Lawrence Barrett's daughter was married Stuart Robson sent a check for $5000 to the bridegroom. The comedian's daughter, Felicia Robson, who attended the wedding conveyed the...
It is narrated that Colonel Breckenridge, meeting Majah Buffo'd on the streets of Lexington one day asked: "What's the meaning, suh, of the conco's befor' the co't house?" To which...
"You say Garston made a complete confession? What did he get--five years?" "No, fifty dollars. He confessed to the magazines."--_Puck_. Little Ethel had been brought up with a firm...
The neatness of the New England housekeeper is a matter of common remark, and husbands in that part of the country are supposed to appreciate their advantages. A bit of dialogue re...
Once upon a time a deacon who did not favor church bazars was going along a dark street when a footpad suddenly appeared, and, pointing his pistol, began to relieve his victim of h...
The bigness of Texas is evident from a cursory examination of the map. But its effect upon the people of that state is not generally known. It is about six hundred miles from Brown...
CLERK--"Can you let me off to-morrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go shopping with her." EMPLOYER--"Certainly not. We are much too busy." CLERK--"Thank you very much, sir. You ar...
Her exalted rank did not give Queen Victoria immunity from the trials of a grandmother. One of her grandsons, whose recklessness in spending money provoked her strong disapproval,...
Snore--An unfavorable report from headquarters.--_Foolish Dictionary_.
The storekeeper at Yount, Idaho, tells the following tale of Ole Olson, who later became the little town's mayor. "One night, just before closin' up time, Ole, hatless, coatless, a...
"It isn't wise for a painter to be too frank in his criticisms," said Robert Henri at a luncheon. "I know a very outspoken painter whose little daughter called at a friend's house...
A lively looking porter stood on the rear platform of a sleeping-car in the Pennsylvania station when a fussy and choleric old man clambered up the steps. He stopped at the door, p...
"Mose, what is the difference between a bucket of milk in a rain storm and a conversation between two confidence men?" "Say, boss, dat nut am too hard to crack; I'se gwine to give...
Willie had a savings bank; 'Twas made of painted tin. He passed it 'round among the boys, Who put their pennies in. Then Willie wrecked that bank and bought Sweetmeats and chewing...
"Can you tell what steam is?" asked the examiner. "Why, sure, sir," replied Patrick confidently. "Steam is--Why--er--it's wather thos's gone crazy wid the heat."
Two Irishmen were among a class that was being drilled in marching tactics. One was new at the business, and, turning to his companion, asked him the meaning of the command "Halt!"...
"Who gave ye th' black eye, Jim?" "Nobody give it t' me; I had t' fight fer it."--_Life_. "There! You have a black eye, and your nose is bruised, and your coat is torn to bits," sa...
Not long ago a company was rehearsing for an open-air performance of _As You Like It_ near Boston. The garden wherein they were to play was overlooked by a rising brick edifice. On...
If you want to make a living you have to work for it, while if you want to get rich you must go about it in some other way. The traditional fool and his money are lucky ever to hav...