Little Mary, quite contrary, How does your appetite grow? Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail, And a "friend" to supply all the dough!
"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in school?" "Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'." "How dreadful! And why do they call you that?" "Cause in our class, you kno...
"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler lik...
"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud?" "Why shouldn't he be proud?" "Well, pride goes before a fall, you know."
"What is your idea of happiness?" "Nothing to do and lots of time to do it in."
"Why is Miss B---- wearing black?" "She is in mourning for her husband." "Why, she never had a husband!" "No, that is why she mourns."
"Have you much room in your new flat?" "Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."
"Is a howling dog a sign of death?" Said Doolittle to Dunn. "Of course it is, if the dog will wait Until I get my gun."
He always kneeled before the maid And kissed her finger tips; But he lost out. Another man Came by and kissed her lips.
Servant--The plumber says this check should be $5 more. Castleton--But it's the amount asked for. "Yes, sir. But you've kept him waitin' for nearly an hour."--Life.
"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was bred."
"A butcher knows how to make both ends meet." "Yes, if you give him the proper steer."
A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop, pawned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he...
In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch.
A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each hand said: "well, I came down with flying colors, anyhow."
"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off." "Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect it." "How was that?" "Why, he is chairman of the boar...
MOSES--"How did you make your money, Ike?" IKE--"By horse-razing." MOSES--"Vatt, not bedding?" IKE--"Naw--I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of de razetrack for de peoble who...
"There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day." "Was there." "Yes; a paper-hanger hung a border." "It must have been a put-up job!"
DAME RUMOR ought frequently to have her named spelled without the e.
Full many a coat tail that is long and wide Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide.
"So her second husband is a tenor?" "Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!"
"What's the matter with Smith?" "Why?" "He goes along as abstractedly as though he were drunk and were seeing double." "He is. They have twins at his home."
JACK--"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time." FRED--"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime."
"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer. "And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?" "To put your clothes in, of course!" "And go naked? Not a bit iv...
YEAST--Did you ever try to dye eggs? CRIMSONBEAK--No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were dead.
SIBLY--When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water. TIRPIE--Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught.
SHE--"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be ninety-five per cent. backbone." HE--"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to arrive are ninety-five per cent....
"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy." "Do you really think so?" she sighed. "Yes," returned th...
YANKEE--"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?" ENGLISHMAN--"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse."
THE SPINSTER--How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to? THE WIFE--Fifteen. THE SPINSTER--My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm gla...